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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Cancer of the Mind's LiveJournal:

Thursday, April 8th, 2004
11:58 pm
seven years of numb
I used to think it mattered, the social status quo. Then I realized that my social status is below quo. Friends leave and hurt the things that are not said. Then the voices come and I have wound up dead...

Current Mood: numb
Sunday, January 25th, 2004
3:18 pm
I have one "friend" that is just as apathetic about all things in life as I am.

And when things go wrong I just hide behind her.

I'm tired of being weak. But I don't know how to stop.
Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
2:36 pm
your fluttering lashes no longer phase me...
hello all. i happened to come across this community and thought that maybe someone could help.

what am i to do when ive lost the desire to form relationships with people for fear that i will lose them?

someone please help.

Current Mood: confused
Monday, January 19th, 2004
8:53 pm
Have you gotten to the point when you have to do something, to get away from the mental agony if only for a brief moment, to cause a different pain, a physical pain. The smell of the burning flesh only elevates the intense, almost euphoric nirvana of the piercing pain of a white so bright that time stands still. Only the concentrated anguish/release and you...

Current Mood: curious
Friday, December 26th, 2003
11:46 pm
Paper. Cut.
After years of living in a hell that was created for you, your mother drinks, your father neglect you, your friends don't listen, you can never express what's really wrong. You long to prove to the world some day that you are more than every one thinks, more than some old used bloodied tampon that they take you as....

You get that one boyfriend. Girlfriend. Lover. Soulmate.

And they supposedly love you and they teach you the way, they kiss you and touch you and it could be wrong but it feels so right, and for once you think you've finally caught that fallen star....

But after five or so weeks you invite thm over and the refuse two offers. They say they have to work and you're not really sure that's up. Their friends hate you so you can't ask them. You call all the time and they don't answer their cell phone. You leave messages on their voice mail but never call you back.

And you want to know what's wrong, and for some reason its nagging at the back of your head that you fucked it up once again.

And you really are this no-good failure.

Current Mood: apathetic
Thursday, November 27th, 2003
4:30 pm
i'll fake it through the day
with some help from johnny walker red
send the poison rain down the drain
to put bad thoughts in my head
two tickets torn in half
and a lot of nothing to do
do you miss me, miss misery
like you say you do?

a man in the park
read the lines in my hand
told me i'm strong
hardly ever wrong i said man you mean

you had plans for both of us
that involved a trip out of town
to a place i've seen in a magazine
that you left lying around
i don't have you with me but
i keep a good attitude
do you miss me, miss misery
like you say you do?

i know you'd rather see me gone
than to see me the way that i am
but i am in the life anyway

next door the tv's flashing
blue frames on the wall
it's a comedy of errors, you see
it's about taking a fall
to vanish into oblivion
is easy to do
and i try to be but you know me
i come back when you want me to
do you miss me miss misery
like you say you do?
Friday, November 14th, 2003
4:19 pm
You think you know someone... Then you find out that they are as fake and dishonest as everyone else. Well, fuck them then. Fuck them in the ass and leave them for dead.

So there.

Current Mood: aggravated
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
1:52 pm
up on the edges and over the hill
we knew more then
then we ever will
back when the days pasted by so slow
and now we'll never know
sense of tomorrow was far away
and our dreams will never fade
we never thought the good times would end

can we go back to those days
when everything was simple then
When nothing could ever change.
can we go back to those days
we didnt ever care at all.
I wish I could remain back in yesterday.
Saturday, October 11th, 2003
11:56 pm
shit. too much straight life is hard on the liver.
i long for the numbness of sedation...
the anticipation, awaiting that oh so familiar sensation of serenity
the warmth that burned throughout every centimeter of my being,
the comfort of being surrounded though totally alone
i day dream of days gone by when life was merely a dream
and those nights in my room sinking ever so slowly into this same chair
the way the mirror lied though staring me straight in the eye
revealing features i never had, or never knew i had.
i long to let myself sink into the hole of my addictions and succumb willingly once again
to a lustful chemical romance, a bittersweet symphony of light and of sound, of fantasy and reality...

but reality sets in soon enough even then... i need a more permanent solution to life, though the only one i've seen is death and i am quite too self involved to allow myself to die.
Friday, October 3rd, 2003
1:33 pm
How do people not slice into their own skin?

That might be interesting to know...

Current Mood: blank
Thursday, September 25th, 2003
3:32 pm
today I slipped deeper into darkness. Cold and alone I an 11 years old again. Watching my father leave as my mother cries out curse after curse. I open the fridge and stuff my mouth. Only to cause myself more pain. I look in the mirror and see myself. No wonder why I am alone. Who would want to touch me? I dont even want to touch me. Love yourself they say. Only then can you love someone else. But I need someone to love me. Just one person. To give me everything I am not. Show me that I am worth loving. I need someone to save me from myself. Before the darkness wins just alittle bit more of me. I am thinking bad things once again. I cant take feeling alone anymore. been almost 4 long years... 4 long years without a tear of joy.No one to tell me they love me And not just as a friend. Can anyone even have the slightest idea what it feels like to be looked at as a waste of flesh? To think back on your life and have nothing to show for it. To look to the future and all you see is dreams that are fast slipping away. To not have any options for love because no one wants to look at you? I sit alone and cry almost every night. So much love to give. But no one to give it to. I need an angel in my life. Someone anyone to hold me tight and fight the demons off when the darkness comes. Someone to taste the sweetness of my tears for once. The dagger is getting closer and I dont know how much longer I can fight it back before it cuts my wrist. One simple thing is all I need. and my pain will vanish never to return. At this rate I will be not be here for much longer....I honestly cant take this anymore. I am tired of crying..tired of longer for something that will never come. Loneliness is one thing...but I life time of pain is to much to handle. A life time alone is to much for me.
Monday, September 15th, 2003
6:42 pm
My, but new exacto blades are sharp little buggers...

I just want someone to save me, like a hero in a comic book, like the prince in the fairytale...

No one can help me though. Fuck them then...

Current Mood: crushed
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
7:09 pm
lol...starting to think I am the only one that bothers to come here....anyway...I joined so I am going to write here anyway...so :P

here is something I wrote a long time ago....yes I am a writer...:) and I get paid for it....hehehe well some times I do. Despite my bad spelling and sometime grammar....but that is what I pay and editor for.

anyway...I use to be heavy into drugs... (6 years sober now) and now I speak at rehabs and middle schools hoping to get the message you...hope that at least one person will listen to the words and understand.....so I will put it here...hoping that maybe someone will read it..and it will change them for the better

In today's world where demons play and the simple minded revel in the horrible demise of rivals. There remains a state of necessary alertness and wariness. I person of guard is a person murdered or torn apart here on earth. It has become a way of life. A ritual of our youth if you want to call it that. You are not a human till you indulge yourself in intoxicating herbs and the orgy of sensual pleasures. A moment of the purest hedonism, a party of the purest pleasures without regard to future implications.
For a time I joined in this ritual of the youth, but then one day I rejected this orgy. Though I did not know why at the time. It assaulted my sense of morality, I believed (and still do), and cheapened so many things that I hold precious. Now, in retrospect, I have come to understand another truth about myself that forced rejection of that orgy. Aside from the moral implications, and there were many, the mere notion of the mind-blurring herbs frightened and repulsed me. I knew that all along, of course- as soon as I felt the intoxication during this ritual of youth, I instinctively rebelled against it- or course it took me some time to realize that. But it wasn't until very recently that I came to understand the truth of that rejection, the real reason why such influences have no place in my life.
These herbs attack the body in various ways. of course, from slowing reflexes and destroying coordination altogether, but more importantly, they attack the spirit in two different ways. First, they blur the past, erasing memories pleasant and unpleasant, and second, they eliminate any thoughts of the future. Intoxicants lock the imbiber in the present, the here and now, without regard for the future, without consideration of the past. That is the trap, a defeatist perspective that allows for attempted satiation of the physical pleasures wantonly, recklessly. An intoxicated person will attempt even foolhardy darer because that inner guidance, even to the point of survival instinct itself, can be so impaired. How many young men have thrown away their lives to the streets to die alone and cold. How many young women find themselves with child, conceived with lovers they would not even consider as future husbands?
That is the trap, the defeatist perspective, the I cannot tolerate. I live my life with hope, always hope, that the future will be better than the present, but only as long as I work to make it so. Thus, with that toil, comes the satisfaction in life, the sense of accomplishment we all truly need for real joy. How could I remain honest to that hope if I allowed myself a moment of weakness that could well destroy all I have worked to achieve and all I hope to achieve? How might I have reacted to so many unexpected crises if, at the time of occurrence, I was influenced by a mind-altering substance, one that would impair my judgment or alter my perspective?
Also, the dangers of where such substances might lend cannot be underestimated. Had I allowed myself to be carried away with the mood of pure physical pleasure.Had I allowed myself the simple sensual pleasures offered to me by those that could not care, how cheapened might any honest encounter of love have been?
Greatly, to my way of thinking. Sensual pleasures are, or should be, the culmination of physical desires combined with an intellectual and emotional decision, a giving of oneself, body and spirit, in a bond of trust and respect. In such a manner as youthful desire, no such sharing could have occurred; it would have been giving of the body only, and more so than that, a taking of another's offered wares. There would have been no higher joining, no spiritual experience, and thus, no true joy.
I cannot live in such a hopeless basking as that, for that what it is: pitiful basking in the lower, base levels of existence brought on, I believe, by lack of hope for a higher level of existence.
And so I reject all but the most moderate use of such intoxicants, and while I'll not openly judge those who so indulge, I will pity them their empty souls.
What is that drive a person to such depths? Pain, I believe, and memories too wretched to be openly faced and handled. Intoxicants can, indeed, blur the pains of the past at the expense of the future. But it is not an even trade.
Sunday, September 7th, 2003
2:12 am
Want to know what I miss the most? One simple moment in time. The exact moment the woman I am with steps out of the bathroom right after taking a shower. There is nothing so perfect in all the multivers as that moment right there. All the gods in all the heavens couldnt recreate that beauty with a thousand rainbows over a thousand snow covered mountains. The way the towel clings to her dripping wet skin. How her hair is not styled in anyway. It just lays there natural. Weight down with water that drips down her cheek. No makeup to hide her true beauty. No cloths to catch the eye. The way she smells so clean. Intoxicates me. Fills my senses to the point of guilt that I should not be there. That there should be some law for experiancing this much pleasure. That very moment I can run a million times over in my head. For every girl I have ever been with. There is that one moment in time where there is nothing but her standing there. No false image. No hiding the things she hates. It is all there...for me to see, and it brings me to my knees. Who will the next girl be? Will she stay this time?
Saturday, September 6th, 2003
3:27 am
I am a cynical bastard. I hate everyone. And life sucks. Sarcastic too. I am way to fucking sarcastic, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. I am on a never-ending journey to find rock bottom. Everyone tells me. Decker. You have hit rock bottom. Everytime I prove them wrong by going just a little bit farther. Ahh life sucks and no one cares, including me. Funny how life works. I am the Dark Knight with the White Knight syndrome. That isn't some crafty saying either. My last name literally means Dark Knight in German, and my therapist told me I have the "white knight syndrome" because I always feel I can save everyone. Everyone in the world needs my help. I am every ones friend. But never good enough to love. So I destroy myself over and over. Hoping someone will care enough to save me. This has been my life for the last 15 years. Pretty sad that I am 25 year old guy with nothing to show for his life. I have 3 screenplays written, I am a computer wiz, and have an IQ of 153. Other then that my greatest achievement in life was being engaged to a women for a year out of a 5 year relationship only to find out she was cheating on me for 2 of the years. One of which was during our engagement. Oh and then I burnt her cloths and drove her car off a cliff. Which I got arrested for, but I bought the damn thing. I was unaware that it was illegal to trash your own car? Go figure. Yeah that was 3 years ago.Hmmm and that has lead to many pointless one night stands in my endless search for true love but I am always the one wishing for more. Short story made long,
Broken heart...turned bitter...hate all women...I treat them like shit in hopes of being left alone...but they flock to me. I start to fall for them...they leave me.... Rinse and repeat. Hope that wasn't to long of a story for you.
I hate myself most of all things. Call it what you will. Daddy didn't hug me enough. Mommy didn't care. I just hate myself. Why? Because I am a thinker. I can't stop thinking. I over analyze ever aspect of my life..and those around me. Because I always have to have an answer. I am the Romantic. In a world were romance it dead. And not your typical "I sent you flowers" romantic either. I am talking about the little things that make a relationship romantic.Like washing the dishes together...(if you have to ask why that is romantic.You will never fucking know). I am too emotional for a guy. Now don't get me wrong. I know when to be a guy and I will not back down from a fight (not then I get into fights often) but when a fight breaks out at a bar or something. Everyone hides behind me. Anyway I am way to emotional. Hmmm example? I cry every time I see City of Angels, or her the song Iris by Goo goo dolls. But then again I cry when I here the song Bro hymn by Pennywise. I cry when ever I think about my ex fiance.3 years after the fact. No I am not hung up on her. It is just to much emotion to handle. I let people that mean nothing to me. Get to me. Like if someone replies to my mindless dribble in a bad way or a way I don't expect..I will be mad at myself for even posting here. But of course I will come back for more punishment. That is who I am. Abuse me and use me....just don't spit in my face because then I lose control. Hmm what else do I hate about myself. I am to sexual. WAY to sexual. Now I am a very loyal person. But if you cant keep up then don't tell me you can. Put it this way, if I could, I would be doing it 24/6...(hey..even God had to rest on the 7th day)..no but really. Some people see this as a bad thing. Now I not a fricken horny animal, but I am a guy..and well we all know guys.Sad thing is I can not get any pleasure from sex what so ever unless I know for a fact..that my partner is completely and totally satisfied. If I fail at that, I will be up all night. Pondering what the hell I did wrong....(goes back to being an over thinker) always has to be an answer.

Well I guess I have spit out enough mindless rambling for one night. Oh..I like to write..I can go on for hours....but if you have actually read up to here you would have figured that out by now...

Current Mood: blah
Saturday, August 30th, 2003
7:51 pm
Boys are stupid! They depress me! They should die! Help me kill them! They're stupid dumb assholes. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Current Mood: drunk
Friday, August 29th, 2003
9:30 am
Ack! I am so fucking worried! Seems like no matter how hard I try to be stable I always end up having this really horrible episode. My Vaughan is so patient with me but I feel so bad for putting him through my depression like this. He has enough worries without having to fret over me.

And the pills! I hate taking medications. I always end up having a bad reaction to them. Like the pill I took the other night that made me sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't see how that was supposed to help me! I don't think I will ever find a pill that actually helps me. I have tried so many different ones. It's tiring....

Current Mood: discontent
Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
1:02 pm
Fuck everything. Fuck evryone. Except Kiwi of course...
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